Staying after infidelity. Just the thought of it brings up strong reactions in people. As you can imagine, in the world of relationship and affair counseling, it is always a hot topic. 

What’s the main question, if you’re living through the aftermath of an affair? Likely, it’s something like, “Am I crazy to stay after my partner cheats?”

What’s the short answer from the Relationship Experts team? No! You’re not crazy and you’re not weak.

Relationship advice after cheating

Now, before we tackle this tough topic, I want you to know it is important to me that I am prepared to fully support hurting couples like you with the latest research and updated relationship treatment. Recently, I attended a training that better allows me to do the right things, provide proper direction, and honor the desire for recovery. This training was titled Treating Affairs and Trauma, offered by the well-known, research-based Gottman Institute. 

The training was unique in that it approached infidelity as a trauma to the betrayed partner. In other words, the reactions to the affair are much like PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder) for the hurt partner. Still, there are other kinds of relationship advice after cheating and  post-affair treatments that exist as well. 

You may be familiar with some common approaches like

• The “Welcome to the Club” approach. This supposes that monogamy is of almost no existence – so get on with it.
• The Forgiveness focus. This approach advises hurt partners to control their rage and learn to forgive.
• The Flawed Betrayer approach. These types of treatments center on the cheater’s key personality flaw (mid-life crisis, sexual addiction, intimacy avoidance, childhood damage). Assuming this to be the case is unsupported by research.
• The Troubled Marriage treatment. The idea here is that there must’ve been something profoundly wrong in the marriage that led to infidelity. Current research reveals that the occurrence of an affair is much more complex.  The book, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass is an excellent resource for exploring this aspect and the hows and whys connected to infidelity.

So, what is the best way to deal with the aftermath of an affair? How do you cope with that initial state of confusion… that point at which you ask yourself and others two key questions:

Am I Crazy To Stay After My Partner Cheated On Me? Am I Just Too Weak To End It?”

Undoubtedly you’re familiar with these typical, well-meaning responses and  relationship advice after cheating:

 “Once a cheater always a cheater”

 “You’re crazy to stay in this relationship after he/she cheated on you”

 “Your marriage is a big lie. You found out, now leave. Don’t be stupid, you know he’ll do it again.”

 “Honey, you need to start a new fresh page with someone else you can actually trust– that’s the only way to heal”.

Sound familiar? Notice how the primary theme is “get out now”.

Why Does Relationship Advice After Cheating Point To One Thing?

Societal norms play a big part in our reaction to cheating, particularly when it pertains to staying after infidelity.  We tend to do more than just suggest a breakup. We also invoke shame, telling betrayed partners who continue their relationships after cheating that something is wrong with them. Often we advise them to leave, to move forward, and to let the relationship go. Furthermore, we then expect them to bounce back and find joy with a new partner, in a love untainted by infidelity! Those are some big expectations… and a lot of pressure to place on a hurting partner.

When it comes to you and your relationship, loved ones find it difficult to see you suffering. Whether they are your family, friends, or simply those you choose to share your pain with, they want to make it all go away. They sincerely believe the best way to ensure relief and comfort is to advise you to end the relationship. It is almost impossible for most people to see how you can be happy with someone who betrayed you. To them, staying after infidelity simply doesn’t make sense. Why?

Here again, from a societal perspective, we generally believe two things:

• A betraying partner cannot/ will not change.
• The hurt partner needs to break free from the pain. 

Ask The Experts: What Is The Reality? 

Despite what society says (and your loved ones believe), my experience as a relationship expert informs my most sound relationship advice after cheating. An important place to start is the affair recovery facts. For example, the available data paint a different post-affair picture than most understand. 

Here are a few facts that may shed some light on why staying after infidelity might make sense:

1. Infidelity affects 1 in every 2.7 couples. 65%-70% of those couples stay together after an affair!
2. Most partners who engage in infidelity actually want to stay in their primary relationships. 
3. There is more potential to create a stronger marriage/relationship after infidelity than before infidelity. Dealing with the affair and actively healing is paramount. 

Does Staying After Infidelity Make Any Sense?

Put simply, the answer is “yes.” But please recognize that healing is not a one-time conversation or overnight decision. Staying after infidelity makes sense if are both ready to venture into a process. To explore this in more depth, do read more about this in my blog post: Is It Normal To Want To Stay After Infidelity 

So, what is necessary to successfully complete the process of staying after infidelity? 

1. Commitment. You both need to be certain that you want to be together and are not looking or waiting for someone better to come along. Without this, being present and productive is improbable.

2. Strength.  This process will have high highs and low lows. There are days when you feel like you know what to do and how to do it. Then there will be days when you feel like you are sleeping with the enemy. You’ll need the strength to cope 

3. Hope. It’s okay if you or your partner don’t have much, if any, right now. Sometimes it’s the therapist’s job to hold the hope for you until you can stay hopeful on your own.

4. Willing and Able. The desire and ability to work on the relationship and to change. Time heals nothing. Be willing to show up and keep showing up for each other.

Do You Have Words Of Hope And Sound Relationship Advice After Infidelity?

Yes…you have the potential to recover and be happy in your relationship again, but it will not happen in a day or two. It may take months. During the healing process, you will experience ups and downs. Still please know that a committed, strong, hopeful, and willing couple can heal completely. I have definitely seen couples get better and enjoy a new, fulfilling connection.

Do Couples Have Options To Help Them Heal?

You can heal and develop hope with the following support:

Self-Help Supports Recovery

Consider these as DIY, directive resources. They approach recovery in stages or phases. Books and blogs, homework, podcasts, and more offer a step-by-step plan to reach your recovery goals. Our Infidelity Recovery Program is one such program and a good place to start.

Therapy Offers Expertise & Experience 

Help from a licensed professional affords you the necessary experience and care. If you choose to go through this process with the guidance of a skilled therapist – please choose wisely. Choose someone who specializes in affair recovery. This is not a game. An unskilled therapist may get you nowhere or, possibly, make things worse.

THE BOTTOM LINE? EMBRACE THE PROCESS OF STAYING AFTER INFIDELITY AS A TEAM

Our team at  Relationship Experts is available and ready to help you. Let us guide you to a secure and strong connection. We offer the resources, programs, and support you deserve. Please check out our online offering too. 

Our infidelity recovery coaching program is a valuable investment of your time and energy.

Let’s talk soon to connect and get help right away:

1. Reach out for your free 45-minute consult.
2. Discuss your needs with a program specialist.
3. Begin learning about affair prevention today!

MORE OPTIONS FOR RELATIONSHIP SUPPORT FROM RELATIONSHIP EXPERTS

Our team at Relationship Experts supports individual recovery while supporting healed personal connections. Our private practice is currently serving clients in Miami, Florida. Wherever you are located, please look at how we can help online in the United States, UK, and Canada. Read more on our blog page.

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