If you are living with the knowledge that your partner had an affair, you’re living with the aftermath as well. You’re living with shock and confusion, the hurt and heartbreak. You may also be living with the question, “How do I cope after such betrayal?” Knowing what to do and what not to do after being cheated on is unbelievably challenging when your relationship has been turned on its head. It’s hard enough to remember to breathe, let alone rethink your connection and reimagine your future when you’re hurting so badly. 

Please know this. Mistakes after infidelity are not a given. The clarity you are searching for now does come with some proven guidelines.  We’ve seen clear direction help calm the emotional storm you are enduring. There is no shame in seeking help and hope. We’re here to support you.

What Not To Do After Being Cheated On

Figuring out how to cope after infidelity doesn’t have to be a journey you take alone. As you come to grips with what has occurred, please consider our dos and don’ts after an affair and think about our infidelity recovery program. Read on to spare yourself these seven common mistakes after infidelity and work productively toward healing:

Mistakes After Infidelity: What To Avoid After Cheating Happens To You

Mistakes After Infidelity #1: Making Major Life Decisions Immediately

It is completely understandable if you feel upset, angry, or panicked by your partner’s betrayal. However, do weigh the consequences of letting those emotions drive your decision-making. Just as grief counselors advise bereaved loved ones against making major life decisions too soon, experienced affair recovery specialists advise betrayed partners similarly.

Unfortunately, many hurt partners are so overcome by pain and uncertainty that they do things they regret. Feeling rejected, many partners seek out their own affair partner. Feeling empty, some immediately throw out their partner or file for divorce. Becoming insecure, still others overspend, drain accounts, or hide shared funds. While the emotions are completely logical, it is wise to take time to process your experience. You don’t want to mask relationship issues, harm yourself further, or sabotage a deeper desire to save your marriage/relationship.

Mistake #2 – Constantly Checking On Your Partner or Obsessing Over The Affair Partner

The reality of an affair intrudes on your perception of your relationship and the partner you believed you knew. Thus, recurring, intrusive affair-related thoughts and a deep need for reassurance are natural (and nothing to be ashamed of). Contemplation and questioning everything is normal as the affair details come out. Early on, these are ways of making sense of things and feeling more in control.

However, if you cannot rein in your thoughts or have a deep need to ruminate and interrogate your partner well past the initial shock of discovery, you may need to take a step back. Indulging those impulses can frustrate attempts to balance emotions and shift communication toward reconnection. Clarity won’t be gained by rumination and pressing for reassurance. Instead, lean into inner calm so that you can gain the perspective and judgment you need to move forward. A Thought-Stopping Technique may help you deal with unhelpful thoughts that derail your focus on healing and recovery.

Thought-stopping techniques are essentially a practice of identification, visualization, and redirection to cope with distress. As a betrayed partner, thought-stopping might involve the following:

1. Identify unhelpful or recurring, unsolicited thoughts (“I can’t stop imagining them together”).
2. Visualize a red stop sign. Address the thoughts internally (Think, “Stop!”) 
3. Redirect your attention. Have an affirming thought ready (“I am still here and capable. l can make it through this”) and concentrate on your breath,

Mistake #3 – Seeking Revenge or Retaliation

You deserve to be seen and heard. Please recognize that revenge and retaliation are not the best ways to be validated or acknowledged. That type of response to betrayal rarely leads to relief and relationship repair. Behaving rashly, though an understandable impulse, is not a productive one. Instead, take care of yourself to avoid compromising your values or future relationship goals. 

Taking care of yourself and working through the hurt may include a few regular, rage-resolving practices. For example, journaling is a way to notice negativity and safely empty and distract your mind from unhelpful thinking as it occurs. It’s also important to consider therapy methods like trauma-informed therapy or Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (Alana Tokayer) to help you cope with the betrayal trauma that may be fueling your sense of injustice, violation, and resentment.

Mistake #4 – Talking to Too Many (or the Wrong) People

What not to do after being cheated on? You don’t need to overshare. In other words, carefully consider that what you’re feeling right now might not be what you’re feeling weeks or months from now. You don’t want to impact your loved one’s feelings about a potential future reconnection unduly. Reconciliation is difficult enough without the discouragement of loved ones who find it hard to let go of affair-related details you shared at the height of your emotional pain.

Now is the time for a safe circle of wise, empathetic supporters. Reactive, opinionated supporters, however well-meaning, will likely make your emotional state worse. Tell your trusted people your needs. Do you need conversation, motivation, or a shoulder to cry on? Your safe circle is the place to share and start healing.

Mistake #5 – Demanding Every Single Detail Immediately

Do you often think, “The more I know, the better I’ll feel?” After all, you’re now aware that you’ve been in the dark. The affair partner has a connection to your partner’s inner world that should be yours. You’re entitled to know everything there is to know and perform repeated interrogations to ensure it, right? Maybe, but demanding to be filled in on every interaction, clandestine meeting, bedroom position, and promise made could actually be disastrous for you. Every single detail seems like clarity, certainty, and self-protection. Unfortunately, the data overload usually just proves to be too much, too soon, and feeds a loop of shame and anxiety.

Instead of trying to heal with demands for affair-related details, our infidelity recovery program guides you toward healing goals and more productive communication. Often certain disclosures should be coordinated with the guidance. Recovery is often more productive and lasting when you have an understanding of what the affair means and/or why you are compelled to ask certain questions. 

Mistake #6 – Assuming There’s No Hope

When you are in crisis, it’s easy to feel hopeless and without options. What not to do after being cheated on is to believe that you’re alone and too far gone for recovery. Healing is always an option. Whatever decisions you make regarding your relationship, healing is the goal. Moving forward with help of relationship experts, a well-regarded infidelity recovery program, and betrayal trauma therapy can lead to the transformation you long for.

On a routine basis, we see partners arrive completely confused about how to navigate through the hurt feelings, deception, and stunted communication that separates them. Often the betrayed partner feels too hurt and unheard to trust. Many times the unfaithful partner feels shamed and uncertain about how to start anew. Fortunately, when they experience the guidance of our affair recovery specialists, getting off the emotional rollercoaster finally becomes possible. That confusing, upside-down ride gives way to a new path of recovery made possible with our proven affair recovery roadmap to healing. Our practice has seen this transformation occur time and time again as couples figure out how to cope after infidelity.

Mistake #7 – Pretending It Didn’t Happen

Silence is not golden when it comes to infidelity. If you find that the only way you’ve coped with the affair is to avoid the topic, minimize it, or block it out all together, you’ve likely chosen avoidance over true recovery. Don’t be too hard on yourself, you’re not alone if you’ve felt like “moving on” or “getting over” the affair is easier. Unfortunately, that solution rarely lasts. In reality, denying the situation, your emotions, and the process needed to recover is actually a trauma response. Burying the experience keeps you stuck and anxious instead of free to rebuild and consider a future that isn’t defined by the affair.

One of the biggest mistakes after infidelity that hurting couples commit is to prevent healing conversations due to avoidance. Vulnerability is a necessary part of healing. If you were betrayed, you need to be able to express the depth of your pain without moving on too quickly. Your partner needs to transparently provide more access to their inner world. This is the recovery-oriented, transformative communication that can overcome avoidance and initiate trust. 

Now You Know What Not To Do After Being Cheated On… Here’s What to Do Instead

Now that you understand what to avoid after cheating occurs, let’s consider a few immediate, actionable steps you can take to keep calm and cope well. 

Start with acceptance. 

Take the pressure off yourself to be okay, forgive, or move on. It’s enough work to accept what has happened and restore some balance. 

Allow for ups and downs. 

Recovery is a process but not. However, if you stay on the path and follow the roadmap, no steps will be skipped, and you can navigate the obstacles. Progress will happen. Be patient with yourselves and each other. 

Communicate through it all. 

Healing becomes possible as you talk through your experience. Resist the urge to withdraw or become reactive. Identify your feelings and share them. You deserve to be heard and understood by your partner, trusted loved ones, and your affair recovery guide.

The dos and don’ts after an affair are more confusing if you deny yourself care and guidance to navigate them productively. Choosing an infidelity recovery program to help you navigate these early weeks can make all the difference. Expert relationship care can be the best way to restore relationship coherence and internal equilibrium. Therefore, it is extremely beneficial to have a roadmap to help you heal. We can help you stabilize your emotions and eventually set realistic goals for yourself and your marriage.  

How To Cope With Infidelity? What To Do After Being Cheated On? Get The Safe, Proven Support You Deserve

Our staff of relationship professionals experts and resources are available to you whenever you need them. You’ll find that these common mistakes after infidelity aren’t the obstacles they could be if you opt for infidelity recovery with us. If you choose to let us guide you, we can help you rebalance your emotions and heal.

If you’re struggling with deep emotions and what not to do after being cheated on, our Affair Recovery Program is a safe place to turn. Schedule a free 45-minute consultation with an infidelity specialist soon. Relationship Experts is a private practice, located in Miami, FL. If you are located elsewhere, we can provide services throughout North America and the United Kingdom too. Join us online for additional services, such as Surviving Infidelity, for more tools and guidance. If you want to know whether you’re ready for our program, go to our Quiz page as well. Tune in to our podcasts on Spotify or watch Relationship Uncomplicated on YouTube for more information!