Generally, when we think of shame or guilt in any circumstance, we acknowledge that they show up whether we like it or not. In the aftermath of infidelity, such feelings are present in spades. Determining how to deal with guilt and shame is a major part of the affair recovery journey.
How are you and your partner managing guilt, shame, and blame now?
It’s not unusual to feel confused about the roles of seemingly negative emotions. With so much happening between you, do you wonder whether exploring infidelity guilt helps or hurts your decision to stay together? Good question.
To know how infidelity, guilt, and shame affect your joint recovery, notice how you react
- Do feelings of remorse follow guilt and shame? Does it inspire you to reflect on your situation and seek change? If it does, there is solid potential for healing and long-term relationship restoration.
- Do guilt and shame make you feel trapped and unable to reconnect with your values? Are you distressed, projecting negatively onto your partner, or creating distance between you? If so, you aren’t processing the infidelity well. Thus, repairing your connection will be problematic.
WHAT INFIDELITY GUILT LOOKS LIKE FOR BOTH PARTNERS
Guilt after an affair is largely linked to the “cheater.” We’re used to believing the disloyal partner deserves to feel guilty. After all, they breached their partner’s trust and their commitment to each other. Any online search will confirm that way of thinking.
In fact, there is no shortage of post titles like these:
- Feeling Guilty About Cheating?
- 3 Tips For Managing Guilt After an Affair
- I Was Unfaithful & It’s Destroying My Marriage
Countless web pages, articles, and blogs discuss infidelity guilt. Yet, my experience in affair recovery reveals that there is more than enough guilt and shame for both partners. You aren’t alone if you are both shouldering the burden. In our practice, we’ve discovered that partners simply manage infidelity guilt, differently.
HOW INFIDELITY GUILT IMPACTS THE UNFAITHFUL PARTNER
- shame for deception and lies told to their spouse
- guilt for the intense pain and disappointment caused to their partner and loved ones
- guilt for jeopardizing the relationship
- shame for fulfilling their needs with someone else
- guilt for being unable to end the cheating, resolve the situation, or reveal the affair
HOW INFIDELITY GUILT IMPACTS THE HURT PARTNER
- guilt for missing infidelity signs early on, not trusting their intuition, and being slow to see the truth
- guilt for misunderstanding or minimizing the emotional distance
- shame for remaining in the relationship after the affair was revealed
IS INFIDELITY GUILT HELPING OR HARMING YOUR AFFAIR RECOVERY?
Guilt tells us something important about the people who experience it. Put simply, it separates empaths from sociopaths. An empath is compassionate and aware. They don’t want to hurt people and regret it when they do.
So, I see guilt as a positive characteristic. It’s helpful and necessary, causing a person to be more reflective and accountable. Were you actively hurting others? Did you contribute to a perfect storm of marital disconnect?
Feeling infidelity guilt, shame, and blame opens the door to an internal exploration. Do you examine your own actions, admit mistakes, and define your desire for change? In my practice, I look for productive guilt and active remorse. Guilt, in those cases, is good.
“Stuck” guilt, though, is not reflective. It doesn’t move you forward and can do more harm than good. Relationship problems, in this case, are linked to 1) whether partners feel guilt and/or 2) how partners respond to guilt.
How Stuck Guilt Stops Healing
Consider the following illustration about a “stuck” husband.
This man had a habit of paying sex workers and was found out. As a result, he handled being confronted with denial, defensiveness, and blaming his spouse. Too confined by guilt and shame, he couldn’t be self-reflective and compassionate towards his wife. Fortunately, our team was able to offer therapy. We helped him feel heard and more emotionally secure so that he could process his experience.
This allowed him to self-reflect and understand how his wife was affected. He also examined what his actions meant to him and their impact on his own value system. The eventual result? He had genuine remorse, but only after his guilt was processed differently.
Often, betrayed partners deal with self-blame. The wife in the illustration above may have thought one or more of the following
- “Perhaps I should have caught it”
- “I needed to be more for him”
- “I should have paid attention to my intuition”
- “I did this to myself,” etc.
Sound familiar? If so, these thoughts are getting in the way of your healing. You need some support to reflect and change your relationship with yourself and your partner.
WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT INFIDELITY GUILT
When infidelity happens, spouses face guilt. It comes with the territory. Don’t feel that you have to navigate that territory on your own. Keep moving forward. When it comes to affair recovery, there is a roadmap to healing. For many, guilt is one of the first major obstacles along the way. But don’t turn back and give up on healing. Don’t get so hung up on guilt that you give up on yourself.
I aim to provide you with the essential tools, proficiency, and confidence to address your recovery obstacles as a team.
HOW TO DEAL WITH GUILT & SHAME: TRY MY BLUEPRINT FOR REMORSE
Part of making guilt productive is communicating remorse effectively to your partner. Thus, you want to be genuine, sincere, and convincing. Therefore, to ensure you express yourself well, consider my online course: “Remorse Blueprint”. This mini-course will guide you through the process of healing and trust-building, The course includes specific examples and tips to help you:
- Determine whether you express remorse helpfully.
- Grasp the 6 components of effective expressions of remorse.
- Express your remorse in a thoughtful and meaningful way.
- Make remorseful expressions sincerely and as often as necessary by implementing the ideas in the course and blueprint.
Express authentic remorse as often as necessary. Ultimately, aren’t you eager to know that your partner feels loved and secure with you again? Take the necessary steps to recognize, validate, and honor their feelings. Articulate your apologies truthfully and openly. You’ll find that you pave the way for a new journey toward trust, connection, forgiveness, and renewal.
THE BOTTOM LINE? YOUR RELATIONSHIP GUILT AND SHAME
An affair recovery specialist at Relationship Experts is available for you now. You can start embracing change now. Resources, programs, care, and more are all open to you. Please use our online resources anytime.
Our proven infidelity recovery coaching program is an excellent way to get started
Follow these three easy tips to get going right away:
- Arrange your free 45-minute consultation.
- Confer with our program specialist for information about all of our Affair Recovery Programs and assistance.
- Begin your healing right away!
ADDITIONAL AID FROM RELATIONSHIP EXPERTS
Our therapy professionals at Relationship Experts deliver many affair recovery services designed to aid healing and recovery. Our private practice launched in the United States, however our services are offered globally too. We’re here for you online and throughout the United States, Canada, and the United Kingdom. Please investigate more of our services and programs. Visit our blog page too.
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