Why Do So Many People Call It Sex Addiction?
In the wake of infidelity, emotions run high. There’s pain, anger, and often a desperate need to understand what just happened. For the hurt partner, the unfaithful person’s behavior can seem shocking, like it came from a completely different version of them. Naturally, a question often arises: “Is my partner addicted to sex?” Is it sex addiction or something else.
Listen To The Podcast ‘Is My Partner A Sex Addict’ on Spotify:
And on the other side, the person who cheated might also feel out of control or deeply ashamed, leading them to wonder the same thing about themselves.
The term “sex addiction” feels like an answer—something that explains why someone would make repeated choices that go against their values or hurt the person they love. But while the term is popular in everyday language and even used by some professionals, it’s worth taking a closer look before embracing it as truth.
Is Sex Addiction a Real Diagnosis?
Understanding the Current Clinical View Of Sex Addiction
Contrary to popular belief, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), which clinicians use to diagnose psychiatric conditions, does not list sex addiction as an official mental health diagnosis.
Although a condition called “Hypersexual Disorder” was proposed for inclusion, it was ultimately rejected for several reasons:
- The research was considered too limited and inconsistent to support a full diagnosis
- There was no clear agreement among experts on how to define the condition or who qualified
- Some feared it would pathologize normal sexual behavior, especially in people with a high libido
- Others questioned whether compulsive sexual behavior truly mirrored substance addiction, which involves tolerance, withdrawal, and chemical dependence
Many professionals now focus on the underlying emotional and psychological struggles that sexual behavior may express, rather than viewing these patterns as a traditional addiction.
What If the Problem Isn’t Addiction but Emotional Avoidance?
When Sex Becomes a Coping Strategy – Is My Partner A Sex Addict
Here at Relationship Experts, we’ve worked with many individuals who felt out of control with their sexual behavior. For example, some repeatedly watched porn in secret. Meanwhile, others had multiple affairs or engaged in paid sexual encounters. As a result, these behaviors almost always brought consequences guilt, shame, and the loss of trust in their relationship.
But when we took a closer look, what we often found wasn’t addiction—it was emotional regulation.
In other words, being a sex addict was used to manage difficult emotions:
- Anxiety
- Loneliness
- Conflict
- Shame
- Emotional disconnection
The behavior wasn’t driven by uncontrollable cravings. It was driven by a need to escape discomfort, often learned long before the relationship began.
Is My Partner A Sex Addict Or Something Else – A Real-Life Example:
Mark came to us after his wife discovered he had been using escorts during work travel. He couldn’t explain why. Saying he loved his wife. He didn’t feel addicted. What he eventually realized in therapy was that these encounters helped him numb anxiety and self-doubt related to work pressure. He’d never learned to manage these feelings in healthier ways.
What changed Mark’s life wasn’t abstaining from sex. It was building self-awareness, emotional tolerance, and a new set of coping skills.
What Is the OCSB Model and Why Does It Matter?
A Framework That Offers Clarity Without Shame
To help people like Mark and the couples impacted by their behavior, we use a model called Out of Control Sexual Behavior, or OCSB, developed by therapist and sexual health expert Doug Braun-Harvey.
What makes the OCSB model different?
- It doesn’t treat sexual behavior as a disease to be diagnosed
- It sees out-of-control behavior as a problem, not a pathology
- It places a strong emphasis on values, choice, and sexual health
- It supports agency, meaning the person has the power to understand and change their behavior, not because they’re “sick,” but because they want to align with their integrity
When asking is my partner a sex addict, this model asks questions like:
- Is this behavior inconsistent with your personal values?
- Does it go against agreements made in your relationship?
- Is it being used to avoid difficult emotions?
- Are there safer, more honest ways to meet your emotional and sexual needs?
The answers to those questions guide treatment and recovery, not labels.
What Happens When We Focus Only on Abstinence?
Why Suppression Isn’t the Same as Healing From Sex Addiction
One of the biggest risks in treating compulsive sexual behavior as addiction is the default focus on abstinence—no porn, no sex outside of partnered intimacy, sometimes even no masturbation.
While abstinence can create temporary relief, it often fails to address the why behind the behavior. It’s like taking away someone’s crutches without strengthening the muscles underneath.
We’ve seen many clients who were told simply to “stop the behavior.” They did, but only for a while. Why? Because they hadn’t learned any new ways to cope with stress, shame, or emotional overwhelm.
Here’s what’s more effective:
- Identifying emotional triggers
- Understanding the emotional function of the behavior
- Learning new regulation tools (like mindfulness, self-talk, or communication skills)
- Creating new relational agreements that reflect mutual values and needs
Healing requires more than stopping. It requires transformation.
How Can Couples Begin Rebuilding After Sex Addiction?
Rebuilding after infidelity, especially when it involves out-of-control sexual behavior, often feels overwhelming. But there is a way forward, and it begins with understanding, not judgment.
Here’s what we recommend for both partners.
Unfaithful Partner:
- Take an honest inventory of your behavior and how it conflicts with your values
- Track emotional patterns—notice what feelings tend to precede the sexual behavior
- Work with a therapist who specializes in OCSB or sexual health, not just addiction
- Focus on building integrity and emotional skills, not just compliance
- Commit to transparency—not only in behavior, but in emotional experience
Hurt Partner:
- Prioritize your own healing first. This is trauma, and you deserve care and space to stabilize
- Educate yourself on OCSB and other non-pathologizing frameworks. Understanding empowers you
- Set clear boundaries around what you need for safety and repair
- Ask questions that help you understand, not punish. Curiosity often creates more clarity than interrogation
- Give yourself permission to not have all the answers yet. Healing unfolds in layers
For Both of You:
- Avoid quick fixes or relying on labels. The work is deeper than that, and also more meaningful
- Focus on creating a shared understanding of what happened and how to move forward from a place of clarity and emotional responsibility
- Explore new relationship agreements that reflect what you both need now, not just what you had before
- Seek support. Healing from infidelity and compulsive behavior is hard to do alone. It’s okay to ask for help if your partner is a sex addict
So… Is It Sex Addiction or Something Else?
The real question isn’t “Is this sex addiction?”
It’s “What was this behavior trying to solve?”
If someone is acting outside of their relationship agreements in ways that feel compulsive or out of control, that’s a problem. But that doesn’t mean they’re addicted. It might mean they’re overwhelmed. Under-resourced. Emotionally shut down. Disconnected from their values.
That’s not an excuse—it’s a place to begin.
The OCSB model offers a roadmap for healing that’s grounded in compassion, clarity, and accountability. It doesn’t label people or shaming sexuality, and instead focuses on helping individuals grow.
If It’s Sex Addiction Or Something Else, You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
If this post resonated with you, you are not alone. Many couples are facing this exact situation, and you don’t have to navigate it without support.
Our It’s Okay to Stay Infidelity Recovery Coaching Program is designed specifically for couples who want to heal from betrayal, rebuild trust, and explore deeper emotional and sexual connection. If you’re ready for a path that feels clear, compassionate, and aligned with your values, we’re here to walk with you.
Schedule your free 45-minute consultation with one of our program specialists to see if this is the right fit for your healing journey.
Book your consultation here:
There is hope. There is healing. And there is a way forward.
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