Sometimes, the conventional advice for “overcoming infidelity” just doesn’t cover the crisis in a marriage. Often, the relationship is overwhelmed by the scope of the betrayal, and it all seems impossible to fix. Infidelity always hurts. Mutual infidelity is its own kind of crisis. When both partners cheat, it can seem like your relationship sky is falling, and there is nothing you can do about it.
Fortunately, for many of my clients, mutual infidelity is not the end of their story. For a long time, couples have come to me with seemingly insurmountable odds against them. The infidelity between them is complex and not at all one-sided. For other couples, the affairs transpire at the same time. In some relationships, one partner’s cheating leads to a retaliatory affair from their spouse. And for others, betrayals occurred during different phases of their relationship.
Is there anything that connects such diverse experiences with mutual infidelity?
Yes! These partners each manage dual roles: they are both the betrayed partner and the one who has imposed the pain of betrayal. As a result, couples face a complex dilemma that more couples in more typical infidelity situations do not.
If you are partners confused by the fallout of mutual infidelity, you may feel stuck and overwhelmed. You are not alone. We meet couple after couple in distress. Rebuilding and restoration feel impossible, at the very least improbable. How in the world can you fix the cracks in your connection and find ways to trust each other again?
Undoubtedly, the weight of your situation feels so heavy because you believe two options are on your relationship table:
- Terminate your relationship. Why? Because your love and trust are too badly broken.
OR
- Stay together. The problem? Hurt and discouragement never really go away.
So, you both stand at the intersection of two unsatisfactory solutions. You survey the harm done and wrestle with the anxiety of a connection that will never feel ‘right’ for either of you again. Sadly, many therapists advise couples in your situation to give up. They see relationships like yours as too deeply damaged to invest in. To them, even trying to navigate a relationship rescue is not worth the effort.
I disagree. At this crucial crossroads, my counseling team and I present a third choice: a relationship off-ramp that people don’t think about or know about. It is a way forward and a ray of hope.
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Mutual Infidelity Creates A Unique Path Toward Relationship Healing & Wholeness
What do I see when couples weathering mutual infidelity seek my help? I see more than the storm. I see them trying to bounce back. That’s called resilience.
I can tell that those couples aren’t without options. The upset and disruption are real. Yet, they also have a genuine chance to reconnect powerfully and uniquely. They both know what happens when both partners cheat: the anguish of betrayal and the regret of being unfaithful are shared experiences.
In other words, you go beyond simply understanding each other’s pain. You know it deeply and live on both sides of the infidelity street. And, believe it or not, that is where your hope lies. Your mutual ability to see things from both perspectives allows you to heal with a special level of empathy and compassion.
To me, your mutual infidelity doesn’t disqualify you from healing. It is a rare chance for deep and meaningful restoration.
Sofia and Rick: One Couple’s Story
A while back, I met a couple in despair. Prior to our first consultation, Rick discovered that Sofia had been unfaithful several times throughout their relationship. He responded with an affair of his own.
When Sofia realized Rick had cheated also, they were both devastated. They were both profoundly anxious and disillusioned. Their response was similar to PTSD. Recommended by Rick’s counselor, they came to me before deciding what to do about their marriage.
I realized quickly that they were desperate and bracing for the worst. I could sense they believed they were too far gone and were waiting for me to confirm as much. But I didn’t think that at all.
Acknowledging their pain and distress, I also recognized their reason for hope, emphasizing that healing was entirely possible. Why? Because of their mutual infidelity experience. Because they both know what it is to cheat and be cheated on. Unsurprisingly, they didn’t see that coming!
Past the hurt, two key components could lead to their affair recovery:
- The depth of their ongoing love
- Their authentic remorse for the hurt they inflicted.
Together, those elements were more powerful than they knew.
As their guide on this journey, navigating that path wasn’t easy. Continually working through four viewpoints is tough. Sofia is both the betrayed partner and the one who cheated. Rick shares the same doubled experience in their story. As a result, Balancing each perspective was a dance that required me to focus on each outlook when the moment demanded it.
What was the beauty of that dance? Healing became multifaceted. And when they welcomed it, their relationship changed. Recovery was more than possible. It was real and enriched by the uniqueness of their combined experiences and vulnerabilities.
Embrace The Special Opportunity Mutual Infidelity Affords
Is your infidelity experience more complex than some conventional infidelity experiences? Yes, it is. But that’s really okay! It’s possible to do more than just live with the pain.
You can truly get each other and feel for each other deeply. Then, combine your unique, mutual understanding with your love. Add that to the genuine remorse you feel.
What results? It’s more than just healing. You have a solid foundation to build the love you long for. Learning to do all of this won’t minimize the betrayal. It will recognize your mutual experiences, however difficult, and use them to make you better as a team. What could be more essential?
So, what practical steps can help you heal and thrive in your new reality?
8 Ways Mutual Infidelity Can Lead to Mutual Affair Recovery
It’s no easy feat, but when recovery happens, healing happens. It occurs a step at a time:
1. Show Authentic Remorse
Now is the time to truly see and hear each other. You are both hurting. So, acknowledge that you are both vulnerable and healing together.
2. Be Introspective Before Coming Together
Wait before hashing out all the details of your mutual infidelity together. Go slow. What were (and are) your emotions and actions? You’ll be better prepared to understand each other and talk without defensiveness.
3. Appoint A Safe Communication Zone
It’s time to start really talking. More importantly, you need to learn to express needs and emotions productively. This is how you keep truthful, constructive conversation flowing.
4. Seek Skilled Support
Remember that you aren’t on your own. We have helpers at Relationship Experts who can help you turn things around. Our practice is built for this. If you’re ready for a relationship roadmap to healing, we’re prepared to be the expert guides you need.
5. Rebuild Trust, A Little At A Time
Go easy on each other. Trust-building after an affair requires patience and incremental progress. Take those steps together. Celebrate small victories as a team. A solid foundation will be your reward.
6. Cultivate A Fresh Dynamic Between You
This is where true rebuilding happens. A deep understanding of what went wrong is uncovered. You both get to create a connection that meets your needs and feels authentic.
7. Embrace The Gift Of Forgiveness
This step matters. It may be the most consequential step you take as a team. At this point, you decide to move forward jointly, giving each other grace and understanding.
8. Design Your Mutual Recovery Plan
No one answer works for everyone. To heal, you’ll need to accept that your process is your own. To trust and reconnect deeply, you’ll need to set boundaries and goals that reflect you both.
Getting through mutual infidelity is difficult. But it’s not impossible. You do need a balanced approach. You do need to respect what you’ve both been through. Work to restore faith in each other and bring back intimacy. Those are the ways to move ahead together, solid and resilient.
You Can Tackle Mutual Infidelity Together
So, how did it go with Rick and Sofia? Their story turned out beautifully. They committed to healing and building a much more robust and resilient marriage than they had before. Even better, their love story continues today. The moral of their story? The right support, endurance, and love can transform any relationship.
How do you feel about your relationship chances now? Hopefully, you’re less discouraged. Please consider the support of a professional. We can help. You can save and even recreate your marriage after mutual infidelity.
THE BOTTOM LINE? YOUR AFFAIRS DON’T DEFINE YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Our affair recovery specialists at Relationship Experts are available today. Create the relationship change you want right away. A wealth of programs, care, and additional resources are available. Please look into our online resources anytime.
Our proven infidelity recovery coaching program is a fantastic way to get started
Follow these three easy tips to get going right away:
- Plan your free 45-minute consultation.
- Meet with a program specialist for details regarding our Affair Recovery Programs and assistance.
- Let’s start your healing soon!
MORE CARE & SUPPORT FROM RELATIONSHIP EXPERTS
Our team at Relationship Experts offers affair recovery services organized to help you heal and recover. Our private practice was founded in the United States, but our services are globally available. Reach out to us virtually anywhere in the United States, Canada, or the UK. Feel free to investigate more of our benefits, programs, and information on our blog page.
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