Ask anyone why they think infidelity in marriage happens. Before experiencing it personally, many people think they know the most common reasons for cheating. At the very least they think they know what kind of people and situations encourage an affair. After all, the internet is chocked full of theories, ideas, and oversimplified thoughts about what causes such betrayal.
Infidelity in Marriage Raises Many Questions
Unfortunately, when infidelity hits home, we often hear things like: “I don’t know how it happened”, “I didn’t plan for this to happen”, or “We were just good friends…”
And when hurting couples go searching for help? Well, internet information about the causes of infidelity is often misinformed and misleading.
Listen to this episode – Why Do People Cheat – Infidelity in Marriage
But not to worry, we’re here to provide a more accurate and comprehensive look at why cheating occurs. First, let’s get some common infidelity misconceptions out of the way:
Why People Don’t Cheat:
These 5 Issues Are Usually Not Reasons for Cheating
A Better-looking Affair Partner
Why is it that even among beautiful people, like celebrities, the betraying partner will choose someone like a nanny or a less attractive lover? I find that hurt partners in my practice are often confused when they see their partner’s choice of affair partner. Many times, a wife says, “But she wasn’t even prettier than me…” This indicates that looks aren’t a primary motivator for many affairs.
Sexual Addiction
If we had a dollar for each time a couple claimed sex addiction drove a betrayer to cheat, we’d be very rich. The reality is that the prevalence of infidelity affects one in every 2.7 couples. It is not reasonable to assume that this is the prevalence of sex addiction in the population at large. It is also a term coined by addiction specialists to describe human sexuality, which has not been accepted as a formal diagnosis for a reason. I prefer to address it as a coping mechanism that has the potential to impact a relationship negatively.
Wanting Out of a Bad Marriage
This is such a common misconception of infidelity in marriage. The assumption is that an affair is a way to escape a bad marital situation. Yet, if this were the case, the cheating partner would take the opportunity to exit once the affair was revealed. Instead, what I find is that betraying partners don’t want a way out, they want to stay. In fact, both partners don’t choose to divorce. Instead, they often want to stay together and try to work things out.
The Betrayer Had Some Damage In Childhood (Or Experienced Infidelity In The Past)
When you try to apply a pathology to cheating, this rationale doesn’t hold up as one of the most common reasons for infidelity. Again, infidelity is too prevalent to assume that every betrayer was emotionally damaged as a child.
The truth is, few people can look back at their childhood and believe they were completely unaffected by one set of circumstances or another. However, to claim that those events necessarily caused the cheating is a bridge too far. To assume so, infers that by clearing up these past events the marital problems and infidelity issues will be resolved. We know this isn’t true.
The Betrayer Has A Personality Disorder (ex. Narcissistic Personality Disorder)
It may be that more people with a personality disorder, like NPD, engage in infidelity in marriage. However, it isn’t true that everyone who has an affair has a personality disorder.
So Why Do People Cheat?
3 Key Reasons for Cheating You Don’t Want to Ignore
Sadly, infidelity is often shrouded in shame and secrecy. To help us understand why infidelity in marriage happens to so many couples, the research of Dr. John & Julie Gottman and Dr. Shirley Glass is extremely helpful. Consider the following evidenced-based data to help you understand why affairs happen in most cases:
- Avoiding Conflict
This starts with partners not sharing what’s bothering them. They dread sharing negative feelings or that they have emotional needs that aren’t met. When things are shared, arguments occur or tensions remain unresolved. Thus, to keep things calm, you avoid such conflict. Of course, this leads to basic and shallow communication.
- Avoiding Self-Disclosure
After you stop sharing negative feelings & needs, you develop a habit of living with secret longings, emotions, and wants. Of course, you then drift apart. This is what creates an avenue for someone else in your life. You look to others to fulfill your needs. At some point, you start to share the deep feelings you’ve been withholding from your partner with someone specific. This person offers the kind of emotional support you’ve been longing for. You might then start to make negative comparisons between your partner and this other person. You are then likely to keep the new relationship from your partner and secrecy becomes normal in your marital interactions.
- Inadequate Boundaries Around Your Relationship
If you share deeper feelings and needs (including marital unhappiness) with this new person in your life, you will be drawn more and more toward them. However if you don’t share these things with your partner, continually drift apart, and are being deceptive about the nature of your connection to the new person, you are definitely on your way to an affair.
If you are confused about whether an affair is occurring, this can be cleared up with the following few points:
Infidelity in marriage happens when
- there is any type of close relationship occurring outside of your core relationship or marriage your partner doesn’t know about or approve off
- you would feel totally uncomfortable if your partner heard your conversation
- the relationship sometimes includes physical touch but often just involves a deep emotional connection
Relationship expert Shirley Glass talks about these skewed boundaries in her book “Not Just Friends.” I highly recommend this sensitive, informative read. She describes the cause of an affair as the “reversal of walls & windows.” This describes how you can eventually cross emotional and/or physical relationship boundaries one open window at a time.
Dr. Glass explains that couples need walls to protect their relationship. Partners also need a window of communication to keep things healthy. Trouble brews when a wall goes up between partners ( via avoidance, secrecy, etc.), and a window opens up between one of those partners and someone else, A person they often initially describe as “just a friend.” Of course, as long as the window and wall are reversed, the risk of infidelity progresses down an emotionally slippery slope.
If you wonder what happens when the betraying partner does choose to divorce after an affair consider a couple of key statistics according to the current research:
- Studies show that just 3% of people who divorce following an affair actually marry their affair partner.
- The divorce rate for those who do marry their affair partner is 75%! Distrust, unsurprisingly, is listed as one of the main reasons for these divorces.
Bonus: You Can Affair-Proof Your Relationship With This Guide
How can you protect your marriage from avoidance, drifting apart, reversed windows and walls, and slippery emotional slopes toward someone else? Fortunately, we have a program worth trying: https://courses.iditsharoni.com/affair-proof. This free download is an insightful guide that will provide 3 research-based do’s and don’ts to buffer your relationship against infidelity. Please click on the link to start erecting walls of protection and opening windows of communication in your marriage. Both of which will keep your relationship safe and fulfilling for years to come.
THE BOTTOM LINE? YOU CAN COMBAT THESE REASONS FOR CHEATING TO PREVENT INFIDELITY IN MARRIAGE
Our team at Relationship Experts is available and ready to help you. Let us guide you to a secure and strong connection. We offer the resources, programs, and support you deserve. Please check out our online offering too.
Our infidelity recovery coaching program is a valuable investment of your time and energy.
Let’s talk soon to connect and get help right away:
- Reach out for your free 45-minute consult.
- Discuss your needs with a program specialist.
- Begin learning about affair prevention today!
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