Welcome back to our series about how to reconcile after cheating and effectively build trust in your marriage. In our previous discussion, we talked about how some common mistakes in marriage reconciliation often get in the way of healing. We began this series with Marriage Reconciliation Mistake #1 which centered around failing to end the affair completely. We also explored how to end the connection with the affair partner for good. Now, let’s turn our attention to a second mistake couples make while trying to heal after infidelity.
As in our previous discussion, this post is primarily directed at the hurt or betrayed partner, However, we still recommend that you both pay attention. Reconcile after cheating and healing a marriage takes two.
Please read more below about reconcile after cheating and consider our worksheet, How to Avoid Mistake #2. It is an aid and assignment created to improve marital transparency for the purpose of trust-building.
MARRIAGE RECONCILIATION MISTAKE #2: Failing to Establish Healing Transparency
Beware These Two Transparency-Related Mini Mistakes
1. Are you asking for every explicit aspect of the affair even though you know it causes more distress than healing?
2. Do you retain and continually review affair-related material like texts, voicemails, photos, emails, social media etc?
This approach feels like a way to get all the information that was withheld. They seem like ways to clarify what’s been happening in your partner’s life and mind. Yet, they don’t really give you the peace or clarity you want. What you actually need is healing transparency.
Transparency is a key concept in healing from infidelity and rebuilding trust. Healthy transparency is a vital next step after disconnection from the affair partner occurs. My role as a couples therapist is to facilitate a conversation that brings such transparency. How?
First, I help the hurt partner ask questions that gain access to their partner’s inner world and reduce the sense that they no longer know their partner. Additionally, I help the betraying partner answer those questions in ways that support transparency and trust building. Is this a very delicate process? Yes, but it is also essential. Why? Because this will not be the only time the hurt partner will need to ask about what happened. Both partners must know how to handle these tough and recurring conversations away from the therapy office. Consider this a strategy for preventing dramatic, hurtful fights that can feel like recovery setbacks.
Trying To Reconcile After Cheating On Your Own? 3 Basic Things To Know About Transparency
1. Be aware of your response to the deception and cheating. It may be PTSD. Many hurt partners suffer from Post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms in response to their partner’s infidelity. Pay attention to how your mind and body react to affair-related topics and discussion. Are you experiencing intrusive thoughts or persistent mental pictures? Are you dealing with nightmares, flashbacks, hypervigilance, etc? It isn’t unusual for hurt partners to experience PTSD after experiencing the trauma of betrayal.
2. Be aware that trust repair occurs through facilitation of transparency. Discovering your partner’s infidelity can make you feel like you don’t recognize them at all.They seem like someone else. Accessing your partner’s inner world helps ease your distress. Trust builds as you get an honest picture of your partner’s thoughts and experiences related to the affair.
3. Be aware that there are some effective questions that can help you obtain and permit healing transparency. All the conversations meant to promote transparency must cover some key areas. It is imperative that the suggested questions are answered so that you can stop dealing with the unknowns of your partner’s affair on a constant basis and start marriage reconciliation in earnest.
Marriage Reconciliation After Infidelity Antidote #2 : Ask Your PartnerThese Questions About The Affair
Generally, there are four types of questions that a hurt partner should ask to improve transparency and build trust:
- Ask Why
Why them? What did our relationship lack that made you reach out to someone else? How did you experience yourself with them?
- Ask When, Where, Length & Frequency
How did the connection start? When did it start? How long did it last?
- Ask About The Physical, Sexual & Emotional Connection
Are you in love with them? Were you affectionate with each other? If so, in what way? Was there sexual activity? (Be sure not to request explicit details.)
- Ask If It is Over
How did the affair end? Who ended it? Do you have any contact at all?
In addition to asking productive questions, it is important not to hinder clarity and trust by doing the following:
- Avoid Requesting Explicit Details Of Sexual Encounters
Protect yourself and your mind. It’s completely normal to want to know exactly what your partner did, how they did it, and whether the sex was better with the other person. It’s just not helpful or healthy to fixate on those things. Try to avoid seeking out the kind of information that will exacerbate any PTSD symptoms..
- Avoid Blaming
Remember that questions should leave space for honesty and truth. Stay away from blame and shame. They don’t foster openness or mutual trust.
- Avoid Attacking Your Partner’s Answers.
The goal is to heal, not hit back or harm your partner.
- Avoid Asking “Why Would You Do This To Me?”
Truthfully, there’s no good or helpful answer to that question. It’s best to avoid asking it.
- Avoid Obsessing Over Your Partner’s Affair Correspondence
Let go of the text messages, recordings, emails, photos and any other correspondence with your partner’s affair partner. You may feel the urge to know it all. You may even harbor the fear of forgetting what has happened. That’s natural. Yet, do consider that this information will stay with you. Spare yourself images that never have a chance to fade. If you don’t, they may never leave your memory leading to more difficulty with post-affair PTSD and disconnection with your partner.
RECONCILE AFTER CHEATING– THE BOTTOM LINE? YOU CAN GET TO KNOW YOUR PARTNER AND TRUST THEM AGAIN
Our staff at Relationship Experts is ready and willing to serve partners, like you, who are longing for marriage reconciliation. Allow us to guide you both and support recovery. All of our expertise and resources are available to you. Please look into our programs and online offerings anytime.
To start, examine our well-regarded infidelity recovery coaching program with a member of our team.
Then, use the following process to connect soon.
- Reach out for your free 45-minute consultation.
- Speak with an affair recovery program specialist about our Affair Recovery Program.
- Begin working on reconciliation after cheating right away!
ADDITIONAL RECOVERY OPTIONS FROM RELATIONSHIP EXPERTS
Our therapists at Relationship Experts support your wellbeing and improved relationships. We are a private practice, in the US, serves clients in and around Miami, Florida. Our services are also offered virtually. Reach out online in the US, Canada, or the UK. Feel free to read more about us and our offerings on our blog page.
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