Staying together after an affair is tough work. You live with the hurt. You face the realities of betrayal and you manage the shame. All amid the daily work of marriage reconciliation, mistakes come with the territory, particularly if you go it alone.

We get it. Mistakes are so often made during this painful and uncharted period in a marriage that I created a Facebook support group, It’s Okay To Stay. You can feel less alone there, share information, and safely ask difficult questions. The truth is, you’ve both chosen reconciliation after infidelity. You both want to make the fewest mistakes possible. That’s commendable. Moreover, you both want to spend your time healing and finding ways to stay together, honestly and optimally. Marriage reconciliation is not for the faint of heart but is entirely possible with the right support.

Though this post is aimed at the unfaithful partner, this marriage reconciliation series is dedicated to both betrayed/hurt partners and unfaithful partners alike. Why? The goal is for both people to heal. The aim is to ensure that trust returns and increases as you both learn about common reconciliation mistakes and their antidotes and solutions, step by step. 

Read more below about reconciliation after infidelity and consider our worksheet, How to Avoid Mistake # 1 as a further aid.

Marriage Reconciliation Mistake #1: Continuing The Connection With The Affair Partner

5 Reasons Staying Connected to the Affair Partner Interferes with Staying Married 

1. Continuing the connection with the third person or reducing it to a friendship or a cordial relationship is a serious problem for reconciliation after infidelity. Why? It is a recipe for more resentment and lack of trust from your betrayed partner. You may believe that you can control the relationship but the truth is you did not have control over the relationship in the first place. 

2. Keeping things cordial just prolongs the pain. It is very hard to cut off a relationship that has not ended naturally. In other words, you stopped the affair midstream because you chose to stay married. There are usually feelings involved that make it all the more difficult to keep things at a friendship level. Hoping that your emotional attachment will fade because you reduce the intensity will not work.

3. The reality is your marriage is not the priority. Staying connected to your affair partner keeps your attention divided. Healing and concentrating on making your relationship work is ten times harder if you stay connected to the affair partner.

4. Your lover/ affair partner holds on. They remain attached and hopeful, believing that they still have a chance with you, unable to let go.

5. It is almost impossible to repair your marriage if your affair partner remains connected in any capacity. The only exception may be the existence of a child or children with that person. (See the antidote for reconciliation after infidelity below for solutions in this situation).

Marriage Reconciliation Antidote #1: Solve the Problem & Increase Trust With Your Marriage Partner

Trust is delicate. Finding out about an affair shatters it. Your hurt partner needs time and repeated action on your part to rebuild trust. That said trust levels will not rebound immediately to previous levels. Your commitment to truth and transparent disconnection is crucial and must remain constant.

5 Ways to Disconnect from the Affair Partner and Stay Married:

1. Decide to end the connection. You were not “just friends” and cannot return to just friends. Let your affair partner know, clearly and succinctly, that you will no longer be in any relationship with them. This includes friendly messages of any type, emails, calls/ FaceTime, social media interactions, or anonymous gifts.

2. Tell your partner what you are planning.  Explain that you will end any and all forms of connection with the third person. Share how you plan to do so. This is not just your doing, trust is initiated by gently drawing them into this step.

3.  Ask for your partner’s preference/ input about disconnecting. Cooperatively discuss this with your partner. They may have a different idea of how it should be done. Ask questions about what they think you should say and do to part ways. The intention is to increase trust as you plan.

4. Let your partner know how/when/where the disconnection will occur. Clarity and transparency are crucial and necessary.

5. Let your partner hear/read/watch the ending of your connection to the affair partner. In other words, let them listen in, read the goodbye letter, or, be silently present in the room. To fully experience the end of the affair is extremely empowering for your hurt partner. 

*If your partner is not included, update them when the affair cut-off happens. Show them that you erased the third person’s information, photos, texts, etc. from your devices and social media.

*If children are involved, make plans to co-parent in a very delicate situation. Seek support from a therapist who specializes in marriage and family therapy. You’ll likely need help caring for your marriage and the well-being of your child. As you make arrangements, be sure your plans are acceptable to your betrayed partner. For effective marriage reconciliation, they need to be included in creating and setting up proper boundaries.

Each part of the antidote to this common reconciliation mistake can help increase your partner’s trust in you. Eventually, your efforts will help them feel less anxious and more inclined to trust that the healing process is your first priority.

Reconciliation After Infidelity – THE BOTTOM LINE? YOU CAN TRUST AGAIN & THEY CAN EARN BACK YOUR TRUST

We have a team of experts on our team at  Relationship Experts who willingly serve couples interested in marriage reconciliation. Permit us to provide guidance and support during your affair recovery. We offer the programs, resources, and help you need. Please consider our online offerings when you’re ready. 

Our valuable infidelity recovery coaching program is worth your time and commitment.

Act now to get connected immediately:

1. Schedule your complimentary 45-minute consult.
2. Talk to a program specialist. Discuss our Affair Recovery Program.
3. Start learning more about marriage reconciliation after infidelity now!

MORE OPTIONS FOR RECOVERY FROM RELATIONSHIP EXPERTS

Our therapists at Relationship Experts aid complete mental and emotional recovery andsupport enhanced connections. Our private practice is US-based, welcoming clients in Miami, Florida. Additionally, more services are located online. Please seek us out digitally in the United States, Canada, or the United Kingdom. Read more on our blog page.

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