Are you and your partner working your way through the aftermath of infidelity? Are you wondering how to regain trust after cheating? 

You have lots of company. So many couples feel just like you. In almost every session or encounter that I have with couples, the topic of trust comes up. Like you, they are trying to heal their relationships after betrayal. Like you, they wonder what it will take to restore some normalcy and confidence in their marriage.

Consider “Abby”, who shared her state of mind and asked a question that so many betrayed partners ask after an affair is disclosed or discovered:

…“I hate the feeling that arises each time I think I’m over the betrayal. It’s the feeling that I’m now trapped in trust issues for the rest of my life with this man. I will never be able to trust him blindly like before. I will always have to be on the lookout. This turns me into a person I’m not. I’m not suspicious, I’m not snoopy, I’m not insecure, but this infidelity made me all of these and I hate it.

In those tough moments, I can’t avoid thinking of ending it and starting fresh with someone who hasn’t hurt me before. I am at a loss. On certain days I tell myself I can do this and on other days I ask myself why am I still here. Why not just get out of this relationship, go through the pain, and continue toward a fresh start? What do you recommend?”

Abby

This is such a tough place to be. It’s so difficult to see an end to such pain and confusion.

Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to skip such raw emotion? Wouldn’t it be freeing to forgive, forget, and move on from infidelity? Restoring trust would be so much easier then. If you are the hurt partner, you could return to carefree confidence in the relationship. If you are the unfaithful partner, you could earn back your trust with less guilt and shame.

 Unfortunately, trust without true affair recovery rarely works well or for long. Thus, I decided the best course of action for partners like you and Abby and the listeners is to offer some suggestions about conceptualizing trust and how to regain trust after cheating.

Most people say something like, “If my partner ever does this. I’ll say goodbye”. Yet, the truth is, we never really know how we’ll respond. Most people don’t realize how far they will extend themselves beyond their supposed relationship limits. Will we stretch for our children? Will we stretch ourselves because love still exists? We often move from our comfort zone to our stretch zone when we are motivated to do so. It’s then that we become stronger and surprise ourselves.

So what exactly do I recommend to couples stretched by the aftermath of infidelity?

First, Consider That Infidelity Is Not The Sum Of Your Relationship

Despite the way it feels at first, try to look at the affair as if it doesn’t say everything there is to say about your connection.

This is an important takeaway from renowned author and relationship expert, Esther Perel. In her book, The State of Affairs, she notes that once infidelity is revealed, couples start seeing the entire relationship through the hurt partner’s eyes. It encompasses the whole relationship.

Is seeing the relationship with new eyes really difficult? Undoubtedly. You are likely to struggle to see anything but infidelity in the early shock phase of affair recovery. However, as you move through the initial crisis, I would encourage you to look at the infidelity with a more open mind. Try to give it the space and perspective it deserves. If you label your partner as only an agent of deception and completely untrustworthy, healing won’t happen. Something as small as trusting your betraying partner to pick the kids up from school might feel unacceptable. The relationship will be stuck, defined by the affair. The trust is shattered so the relationship seems shattered. 

But, stop. Challenge that thought. Try to look at the infidelity as part of your relationship experience and not as it’s definer.

So, how to regain trust after cheating

This requires a shift in your perspective. To start making that shift, consider what you can still trust about your betraying spouse. Even if you need to write a list, do it. For example, ask yourself, Is my partner a good provider? Are they a good parent? Are they still supportive of your career or helpful at home?

Consider how the affair may be distorting the total view of your partner. Like through the newly tinted windows of a car, you may be looking at a familiar face through a dark lens. Give yourself time to get acclimated and adapt to your new, healing marriage. 

To get started, write your partner a letter to keep for yourself. Write what you can trust about your partner. Write those things you still can’t trust. You may find this helps you look at things from a different perspective. Rather than holding onto an all-or-nothing, black-and-white, relationship, a more nuanced version of yourselves will emerge. Allowing your connection to exist in that gray space in the middle is perfectly okay.

Blind or Open-Eyed? Learn How to Regain Trust After Cheating

If you are on the road to affair recovery, the unfaithful partner wants to earn back your trust. Are you ever going to trust him blindly again? Should you? Probably not. The truth is, this person betrayed your trust. Trusting them 100% is understandably off the table. Blind trust will have to be released for the sake of your growth in the aftermath of infidelity. Blind trust is innocent and unencumbered by the knowledge of the affair. You had it up until the moment you learned of the betrayal. That type of trust gives you a lot of freedom to feel unconcerned and unaware of your spouse’s whereabouts and interactions.

Trust and what it looks like is different for a couple recovering from infidelity. Many couples worry that they can never trust again or that it’s not even possible for them after an affair. According to Esther Perel, trust is now simply more aware and  “open-eyed”. Open-eyed trust is adopted because trust is mandatory if you want to have a healthy connection. Trusting with open eyes is actually fitting, even though it’s often more work.

Just know that trust is totally possible. It’s just different now. Acknowledge that trust is not going to be the same and that you are going to have to end that relationship with innocent trust in your head. Acceptance and a willingness to start a new open-eyed relationship with the same partner will begin to foster the healing you both need.

Wherever You Go, There You Are

So, looking back at Abby’s letter above, let’s consider her thoughts (and maybe yours) regarding moving on with someone new.

Abby wrote,”… On certain days I tell myself I can do this and on other days I ask myself why am I still here. Why not just get out of this relationship, go through the pain, and continue toward a fresh start? What do you recommend?”

Escape can seem like a valid option when you feel overwhelmed or discouraged. It’s important to recognize that there is a chance that you could take all of your pain, tough experiences, and trust issues with you into your next relationship. If they’re not dealt with and healed appropriately, wherever you go, your pain goes too. 

So when you’re thinking,” Am I crazy, what am I doing here? I should start over with a new person!” Take a breath. It may sound good in the moment but don’t assume your ability to trust someone new is guaranteed either.

Finally, to answer the question, “Can your betraying partner earn back your trust?” The answer is “Yes, It’s just going to be a different type of trust, that’s all

THE BOTTOM LINE? YOU CAN TRUST AGAIN & THEY CAN EARN BACK YOUR TRUST

We have a team of ready and willing team members at  Relationship Experts available to serve couples wanting to trust again. Please allow us to provide guidance and support through your affair recovery. Our office supplies many programs, resources, and aid. Take some time to weigh our online options at your convenience. 

Our beneficial infidelity recovery coaching program is well worth the time invested.

Take action now to get connected right away

1. Call for a complimentary 45-minute consult.
2. Chat with one of our program specialists. Conder the Affair Recovery Program together.
3. Start learning how to regain trust after cheating now!

OTHER SUPPORTIVE OPTIONS FROM RELATIONSHIP EXPERTS

Our therapists and specialists at Relationship Experts offer help designed for complete recovery and life-changing connections. This relationship private practice is based in the US and sees clients in Miami, Florida. Also, our services can be obtained online. Please reach out virtually in the United States, Canada, or the United Kingdom. You can learn more on our blog page.

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